Wild Bill’s Cowboy Beans

WILD BILL’S COWBOY BEANS
BARBED WIRE VERSION
INGREDIENTS

Beans
Pinto Beans (16 oz.)
B & M Beans (16 oz.)
Black Beans (16 oz.)
Ranch Beans w/Jalapeño Peppers (16 oz.)
Dark Red Kidney Beans (15 oz.)
Bush’s Best Grillin’ Beans – Smokehouse Tradition (22 oz.)
Bush’s Best Grillin’ Beans – Black Bean Fiesta (21 oz.)
Country Style Baked Beans (28 oz.)

Sauce
Robust Molasses (8 oz.)
Plum Jam (3 heaping tablespoons)
Worcestershire Sauce (6 tablespoons)
A-1 Steak Sauce (6 tablespoons)
Jack Stack BBQ Sauce (6 tablespoons)
Pepper Creek Farms BBQ Sauce (6 tablespoons)
Chipotle Fire BBQ Sauce (6 tablespoons)
Mrs. Renfro’s Green Salsa (4 tablespoons)
Mrs. Renfro’s Red Salsa (4 tablespoons)
Buffalo Chipotle Sauce (3 tablespoons)
McIlhenny’s Tabasco Sauce (3 tablespoons)
McIlhenny’s Tabasco Caribbean Steak Sauce (3 tablespoons)
Vidalia Onion Jalapeño Hot Sauce (2 tablespoons)
Heinz Catsup (3 heaping tablespoons)
Safeway Southwest Salsa – Medium (4 tablespoons)
Sweet Pickle Relish (3 heaping tablespoons)

Fixin’s
Cornichons (18; diced)
Large White Onion (sliced and grilled)
Large Celery Stalks (2; diced)
Bacon (7 large strips)
Smokey Sausages (4 links; sliced)
Salt (3 teaspoons)
Fresh Ground Pepper (2 teaspoons)
Mint Leaves (2 teaspoons)
Basil (2 teaspoons)
Sage (2 teaspoons)
Bay Leaves (3)
Rosemary (2 teaspoons)
Marjoram (2 teaspoons)
Chili Powder (1 teaspoon)
Coriander (1 teaspoon)
Ground Cumin (2 teaspoons)
Minced Garlic (2 teaspoons)
Ground Cloves (1 teaspoon)
Cayenne (1 teaspoon)
Cardomon (1 teaspoon)
Dill Weed (1 teaspoon)
Cinnamon (1 teaspoon)
Thyme (2 teaspoons)
Ground Mace (1.5 teaspoons)
Ginger (3 oz.; peeled & chopped — or you can chop up the same amount of Trader Joe’s candied ginger)
Ginger Snaps (2.5 oz. crushed)
Brown Sugar (4 heaping tablespoons)
Crushed Red Pepper (2 teaspoons)

DIRECTIONS
1) Put on some good, soulful blues music. Play it loud. This will be your cooking music.
2) Pour all of the beans into a very large crock pot. Set the heat on low.
3) Fry the bacon.
4) Remove the bacon after cooking but leave the bacon grease in the frying pan.
5) Coarsely chop the bacon.
6) Add the chopped bacon to the pot of beans.
7) Fry the sliced sausages in the bacon grease.
8) Add the cooked sausage to the pot of beans.
9) Fry the chopped onion and celery in the bacon grease.
10) Add the onion and celery to the pot of beans.
11) Add all the other ingredients to the pot of beans.
12) Simmer all day, stirring occasionally, making sure nothing is sticking to the bottom.

This will yield a huge pot of extremely spicy y muy caliente (but legendary) cowboy beans. People from Wisconsin and other Midwest regions will not be able to eat them — but if you like hot, spicy food, you’re in for the treat of your life. Many heartfelt, passionate and manly poems have been inspired by just one taste of these beans. Grown men have been known to weep with pleasure from the experience.

TENDERFOOT VERSION
For a more family friendly version, double the amount of beans. This batch will still be hotter than hell, but not so hot that you’ll be bawling like a baby in public.

SISSY VERSION
There are some sorry folks who just can’t handle much spice or heat in their food. I don’t know why, but most of them seem to be gathered in great numbers in the center of our country. Don’t mock these poor souls; simply pity them, as it’s just so damn sad to ponder.

For the Sissy Version (if you feel you must desecrate this culinary adventure), double the amount of beans and use half as much Mrs. Renfro’s Green Salsa, Mrs. Renfro’s Red Salsa, Buffalo Chipotle Sauce, McIlhenny’s Tabasco Sauce, McIlhenny’s Tabasco Caribbean Steak Sauce, Vidalia Onion Jalapeño Hot Sauce, and the Safeway Southwest Salsa (Medium), then curse your wussy tongue.

Eliminate the chili powder, cayenne and crushed red pepper, then take the time for a moment of silence to lament their loss.

If you’re all really good, next time I’ll share my oatmeal raisin cookies recipe, or maybe my cheesecake recipe (a perfect cooler after you’ve tried the beans).

7 Responses to “Wild Bill’s Cowboy Beans”

  1. Belmo says:

    Mmmm. You are making me hungry for BBQ!

  2. jeremy slawsky says:

    What about an illustratred cook book?

  3. Rick Catizone says:

    Yes…if only I could still eat spicy…..sounds great. My oldest sons would like the burn-your-gut-out version.

    Well, I think I might try adapting it. Oh…And I could be wrong but you may have left out a spice…..ROFL…….

    Best,
    Rick

  4. Aaron says:

    Gee, Mr. Stout, we don’t all have lead-lined stomachs.
    Nor do we all have a cash account established at the asbestos underwear store.

    But hey, more power to them that has.

    Best,
    Aaron

  5. Andy Stout says:

    Don’t forget a recipe for Dog-Snout Salsa, too!

    Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, I’m craving these beans now!

  6. Bill says:

    @ Belmo: You would love any version listed here, my friend. My cowboy beans go great with BBQ!

    @Jeremy: The thought has crossed my mind…

    @Rick: This recipe’s very flexible and open to creative variation. In fact, until the very last time when I took notes on what I was doing, my cowboy beans were pretty much improvised each time I made them, using whatever was in the fridge or cupboards that I thought appropriate for inclusion. If I were you, I’d start with the Sissy Version and eliminate whatever elements there are in the recipe that might give you problems…and add what you feel might be appropriate. You, too Aaron!

    @Andy: I’ll try to get right on that in between conventions! And to the rest of you: LISTEN to this man! He’s had the beans and lived to rhapsodize about them!

  7. Aaron says:

    It’s always good to have testimony from survivors. 🙂

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